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| History of French Warfare in a nutshell. [message #9808] |
Wed, 26 March 2003 13:55  |
KIRBY098
Messages: 1546
Registered: February 2003
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> Subject: History of France
>
>
> > > You can hardly blame the French. France is example number one when
> > > comes to natural selection of a nation's character.
> > >
> > > Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
> > > years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
> > > Italian.
> > >
> > > Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
> > > who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
> > > armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
> > >
> > > Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
> > > lose two wars when fighting Italians.
> > >
> > > Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
> > >
> > > Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
> > > manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
> > > eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
> > > War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
> > > chapeaux.
> > >
> > > The Dutch War - Tied
> > >
> > > War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
> > > Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
> > > Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
> > > military power.
> > >
> > > War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
> > > their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
> > >
> > > American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
> > > future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
> > > colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
> > > Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
> > > only wins when America does most of the fighting."
> > >
> > > French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
> > > also French.
> > >
> > > The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
> > > Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
> > > for a British footwear designer.
> > >
> > > The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
> > > Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
> > >
> > > World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
> > > United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
> > > not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
> > > Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
> > > improvement in the French bloodline.
> > >
> > > World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
> > > and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
> > >
> > > War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
> > > with the Dien Bien Flu
> > >
> > > Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
> > > army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
> > > First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
> > > rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
> > > Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
> > >
> > > War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
> > > surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
> > > surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a
> > > McDonald's.
> > >
> > > Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often
> > > than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been
> > > beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. There's no
> > > national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France's....
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