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Re: Fanboy Thread #9 Epic Battle [message #419122 is a reply to message #419073] Tue, 02 February 2010 20:41 Go to previous messageGo to previous message
NukeIt15 is currently offline  NukeIt15
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Pirates have issues with authority. Any large group of pirates will always have lots of infighting, backstabbing, and other self-destructive behavior. The larger the pirate fleet grows, the more likely it is to see itself as the greater threat. They'll be too busy fighting each other to mount an effective resistance. Their best hope is to get drunk, quickly, and pull off a pure-dumb-luck maneuver that decapitates the opposition.

Ninjas have a fatal weakness. The more of them there are in a given place at a given time, the weaker each individual ninja will be. You may observe this in any ninja action film ever produced. In a grand battle, the ninjas won't stand a chance in hell because there will be far too many of them. Their best hope is to allow all but one of their number to perish at the outset of battle so that the lone survivor may become invincible.

Robots have an initial advantage because they will be completely ignored by the zombies. Their best strategy will be to allow the undead to rampage across the battlefield and strike only after the other armies have been weakened. However, robots have crippling limitations- they are all beholden to a single electronic overlord which will, if destroyed, render every single robot helpless.

Zombies are unique in that they can turn any living thing within biting distance into another zombie. Thus, their mindless pursuit of human flesh will serve them well against several of their opponents because every enemy they fell will join the ranks of the undead. Unfortunately, they are rather stupid and could be easily annihilated by wise use of traps and ranged weaponry... and they are incapable of perceiving robots as targets at all.

Vikings are a peculiar lot. Like pirates, they can get roaring drunk and become stronger for it. Like ninjas, they can appear out of nowhere and hit the enemy where it hurts. However, Vikings do not have the inherent weaknesses of either faction- their strength is not diluted by numbers, and they aren't reduced to pathetic infighting by disputes over loot and chain of command. Also, if they get pissed off (and they will), they turn into berzerkers and basically steamroll anybody and anything dumb enough to stand in their way. The vikings are also the only faction in this battle that can claim the power of an entire pantheon of gods.


Here's how I see it going down:

The zombies rise from their graves and take after the pirates and the ninjas who, being mortal enemies, have been fighting since the beginning of time. The pirates' command structure cracks under the strain of fighting a battle on two fronts; they begin fighting amongst themselves. Meanwhile, the zombies make good progress against the ninjas because the poor ninjas have to rely on swords instead of guns.

As the ninjas fall to the zombie plague and the pirates basically wipe themselves out, the robots patiently wait and consider the best plan of attack. They notice that the vikings haven't left Norway yet because they aren't done having an epic feast to celebrate their impending victory, and are for the moment beyond the zombies' reach (as are the pirates, who have by now all boarded their ships to fight each other at sea).

The robot overlord concludes there is a low probability of viking intervention and seizes the chance to sweep in with its legions and wipe out the surviving pirates and ninjas. They leave the zombies alone because they are no threat.

The Norse gods become very, very insulted at the thought of their people being dismissed as not a threat, and proceed to whip the vikings into an unholy rage after they're done pumping themselves full of booze and hallucinogens. The vikings descend on the robot overlord's mainframe with all the gentleness of Mjolnir and tear the place to shreds, disabling the entire robot army in a single surprise attack.

In the following months, the vikings finally defeat the zombies when they figure out how to use the deactivated robots' advanced weapons. They celebrate heartily until they get bored and go to sack England again.

The end.

"Arms discourage and keep the invader and plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property. Horrid mischief would ensue were (the law-abiding) deprived of the use of them." - Thomas Paine

Remember, kids: illiteracy is cool. If you took the time to read this, you are clearly a loser who will never get laid. You've been warned.

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